The room that I am locked into is dark. There are no windows, there are no lights. There is just me. Me and a sad song stuck on repeat. I feel like I am a fountain because the tears just won’t stop pouring. I am sure that if you were next to me, you’d actually have to get yourself an umbrella. When the going gets rough, I always end up being alone, I thought. You’ve left me alone and crying when I was “the girl”. I got used to the feeling but then again it still brings me down. Did you ever actually regard me as something that posesses a soul?
My thoughts are a spinning wheel, just turning around in circles. I am crying silent tears, it’s over. Over over over, the spinning wheel echoes. OUR past turned into my present, I cannot shake it off. My body turns every disease into a remedy and this last remedy will be death. A remedy against what has been, what is haunting me in my dreams.
I would like to call you. Just to hear your voice. I would take everything away from you. Everything you have. Your dignity. I want you to be broken. I want to torture you like you tortured me. You will have to bleed but I am not going to let you die. I want you to survive just so you’ll feel the full extent of pain. I want you to remember it. Maybe then you’ll know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever had. Now I am not referring to your posessions because WE were never rich. I am talking about your soul. I am talking about leaving you damaged just like you damaged me. How could you do this? I wonder if you ever felt the shame. If you ever even felt. Did your mom not teach you that adults aren’t supposed to fuck with kids? Now I am sure you knew this. Still.
I am dropping that bottle of red wine on the floor. I am imagining it is your blood that is spilling all over the floor now. I take a second just to think of the mess. Over over over. I want to dedicate this last breath to you. I could have made it big. Instead, you’ve made me a nutcase, a maniac, someone who will be dependent on pills for their whole life. The broken fragments of my soul are surrounding me like the broken pieces of the bottle. I am now sacrificing my blood for yours because I can’t go on.
I bet everyone called you Goody Two-Shoes when you were in jail. Are you ever wondering what has become of me? How my life has been? I’ve spent years at the orphanage, thank’s for asking. Was I doing well? No, I went through hell there. Did I ever make it big? I got suspended from high school for starting a fist fight. You taught me a lesson in violence, didn’t you? Now don’t be modest, we both know what you did. Now there is no need to blush or is it the wine that reddens your cheeks? I realise you’re not actually here and the wine’s spilt all over the floor. How am I doing now? I am living, thanks but not for very much longer. I am feeling the urge to sleep. Did you see those sleeping pills next to me? You couldn’t see them, because they’re gone. I swallowed them all and when I did, I thought of you! I stopped eating a long time ago, nourishments would have prolonged my suffering. I stopped sleeping because of you. You see, you’ve made me scared of dreaming. I am desperate, hysterical. Do you know what it feels like to lie awake every night? Maybe I am giving you too much credit, but you have been a part of me for the longest time. Now I want you gone, gone! I realize that I can’t kill you without killing myself. My mind’s getting blurry and I feel myself slipping away. Famous last words? I’ve made a mistake, I don’t want to die. Not because of you and what you’ve done to me. All I want is a brand new start in life and somebody who will listen. The record plays a bittersweet symphony. It’s over. Over.
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